


Poison

by hatebeat



Category: X JAPAN
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-14
Updated: 2013-01-14
Packaged: 2017-11-25 12:38:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/638990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hatebeat/pseuds/hatebeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yoshiki can't cope with what she's done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Poison

**Author's Note:**

> Yoshiki is mtf for the purposes of this work.  
> Originally written 2012.

She had been hearing things. Things from the media, things from their friends. She didn't want to hear any of those things, but she couldn't help it.

Taiji was divorced from that skank he married. Taiji was making a new band. Taiji _left_ his band. Taiji was in the hospital.

She was going insane. There was nothing she could do, right? Taiji... never wanted to see her again. And of course she had no right! No right to see him again. After what she'd done to him.

Taiji was using cocaine.

When she heard that, she had pulled out the knife she kept tucked away, just for 'emergencies'. But even then, she couldn't bring herself to do anything with it. She pressed it to her wrist, but it clattered to the floor, clean, her tear-covered face in her hands.

She was poison.

hide did those things. That was hard enough to accept. hide was... before, he was... so _pure_. Before she stole him away, he barely even drank alcohol. hide did drugs now, and it was fine, right, because they were such big fucking rock stars. It had to be fine.

She worried, but she never stopped him. She hated that he did it, but he never stopped him.

She drove him to it. How could she be the one to stop him?

But the fact that Taiji was doing it now... that was simply unbearable. It was even more unbearable knowing that she had driven _two_ of the most important men in her life to destroy themselves in such a way.

It made her hate herself. It made her want to try cocaine, too. But she was nothing but a coward.

===

hide told her to go see him. _hide_ had gone to see him. hide was a much better person than she was. She _wanted_ to go see him, of course. She just...

He wouldn't want to see her. Right? hide said he would, but...

There was no way.

She drove him to this. He had almost died. No, he tried to _kill himself_ , and it was her fault. If she hadn't driven him away...

If she hadn't driven him away...

She was _poison._

===

She threw the magazine at the wall. It was good news, and she should be happy. hide's death had _changed him_ , he said. He wasn't going to do drugs anymore. He wanted to clean up his life. He was quitting all of that.

He didn't want to turn out like hide.

Well, good for him. It didn't bring hide back to her, and it didn't bring Taiji back to her.

Nothing changed.

===

She hung up the phone in a daze. It had been... what, almost two decades since they had last spoken? She had lost any and all hope that he'd ever want to speak to her again, but...

That just happened, didn't it?

===

Taiji's show in LA. She was proud of him, of course, but he was playing in LA and he didn't even plan to see her? That band was barely even a band- just a collection of musicians from _their_ time who had lost their place. Lost their way.

She hated that Taiji was one of them, but that was stupid. That was her fault, wasn't it? Stupid!

The worst part was, there was a rumour from the media. Fans noticed that there was some sort of white powder on Taiji's shirt at the live. Those kinds of rumours spread fast... now that there was the internet, and all.

She drank herself sick, but she couldn't bear to contact him at all.

He wouldn't do to her what hide did to her... would he? He had turned his life around. He had gotten clean.

Right?


End file.
